WHY NETWORKING FEELS SO AWKWARD

And What You're Missing

Have you ever walked into a room...

filled with actors...

casting directors...

agents...

producers...

and suddenly forgotten how to be yourself?

It's remarkable how quickly it happens.

Five minutes earlier...

you were relaxed.

Comfortable.

Funny.

You were simply another human being looking forward to an interesting evening.

Then...

you recognized someone.

Immediately...

your attention shifted.

Not toward them.

Toward yourself.

What should I say?

Should I introduce myself?

Do they remember me?

Should I mention I've auditioned for them?

Should I wait?

Should I leave them alone?

Should I hand them my card?

Should I just pretend I didn't see them?

Within seconds...

meeting another person...

became managing an impression.

If you've ever experienced that...

you're not alone.

I certainly have.

And after spending decades as both an actor and a casting director...

I've come to believe something.

Networking isn't what makes us uncomfortable.

Pressure is.

There's a tremendous difference.

Let's think about that for a second.

If you walked into your neighborhood coffee shop...

and started talking with someone standing in line...

you probably wouldn't think twice about the conversation.

You'd smile.

Exchange a few words.

Maybe laugh.

Maybe discover something interesting about one another.

No pressure.

No agenda.

No internal dialogue.

Now take that exact same person...

put them inside an industry event...

and everything changes.

Nothing about them has changed.

The room changed.

Or perhaps...

their thinking changed.

Instead of asking...

"I wonder who this person is..."

their mind quietly begins asking...

"I wonder what this person thinks of me."

That's a completely different conversation.

One is driven by curiosity.

The other is driven by evaluation.

And evaluation is exhausting.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit.

Actors often tell me...

"I'm terrible at networking."

Really?

I'm not convinced.

Actors spend their lives studying people.

Listening.

Observing.

Imagining.

Connecting emotionally.

Those are exactly the skills that make someone enjoyable to talk with.

So why does networking feel so unnatural?

I don't think it's because actors lack social skills.

I think it's because they care so deeply about their careers...

that every meeting begins feeling important.

And when every meeting feels important...

every conversation begins carrying weight it was never meant to carry.

I'd like to share something that took me years to understand.

Whenever I met someone I believed could influence my career...

I wasn't actually meeting them.

I was meeting my expectations.

Looking back...

I had quietly assigned them a role before we'd even shaken hands.

Maybe this is the casting director who changes everything.

Maybe this is the producer I've been hoping to meet.

Maybe this is the agent who finally notices me.

Maybe...

this is the answer.

That's an incredible responsibility to place on another human being.

Especially someone who has absolutely no idea they're carrying it.

I don't believe actors do this because they're manipulative.

I think they do it because they're hopeful.

Hope is beautiful.

Hope keeps us going.

Hope gets us through rejection.

Hope convinces us to come back after another difficult audition.

But hope can quietly become expectation.

And expectation changes relationships.

The moment another person becomes...

"The Answer"...

they stop becoming...

a person.

They become an opportunity.

A possibility.

A solution.

Almost like carrying around an invisible lottery ticket.

Every room becomes...

"What if today's the day?"

"What if this is the one?"

Careers don't work that way.

Relationships don't either.

We've all heard the expression...

"It's who you know."

I understand what people mean.

Relationships absolutely matter.

This business has always been collaborative.

People enjoy hiring talented people they trust.

That part is true.

But I think we've misunderstood the expression.

I'd rewrite it.

It's not who you know.

It's who knows you...

accurately.

Someone may know your name.

Someone else may know your résumé.

Someone else may know you've booked a television series.

That's nice.

But it's not enough.

When someone knows your professionalism...

your kindness...

your curiosity...

your reliability...

your generosity...

now they know something much more valuable.

Now they know your character.

And character creates trust.

Trust creates opportunity.

Recognition simply creates familiarity.

Those are entirely different things.

One of the great privileges of working in casting...

has been watching careers unfold over many years.

I've watched readers become producers.

Assistants become casting directors.

Interns become executives.

Actors become writers.

Directors become studio heads.

What's fascinating...

is that very few of those relationships began with someone asking for a favor.

Most began...

with a conversation.

Then another.

Then another.

Over time...

people simply became part of each other's professional lives.

That's how careers usually grow.

Not through one remarkable conversation.

Through hundreds of ordinary ones.

I think that's encouraging.

Because it means you don't have to be unforgettable tonight.

You simply have to be genuine.

I'd like to leave you with one thought before we continue.

Perhaps the goal of networking...

has never been networking at all.

Perhaps...

the goal has always been...

learning how to become genuinely interested in another human being...

before hoping they'll become interested in you.

That one shift...

changes everything.

I'd like to share something that surprised me.

The longer I've worked in this business...

the less interested I've become in networking...

and the more interested I've become in community.

Those aren't the same thing.

Networking asks...

"Who should I meet?"

Community asks...

"Who would I genuinely enjoy knowing?"

That's a very different question.

One begins with strategy.

The other begins with curiosity.

And curiosity almost always leads to better relationships.

Let's think about your closest friends for a moment.

How many of them became your friends because you were trying to get something from them?

Probably none.

You spent time together.

You discovered common interests.

You laughed.

You listened.

You showed up for one another.

Trust grew naturally.

Now imagine if, the very first time you met...

you immediately asked for a favor.

It would feel strange.

Not because asking for help is wrong.

Because the relationship hasn't had time to breathe.

Professional relationships work the same way.

They're still relationships.

The titles may change.

The environment may change.

But human beings...

don't.

Here's something I've noticed after years of sitting behind the casting table.

The actors I remember most...

aren't necessarily the actors who talked to me the longest.

Or the actors with the biggest personalities.

Or the actors who made sure I knew every credit on their résumé.

I remember the actors who made the room feel better.

The actors who listened.

The actors who smiled without trying to impress anyone.

The actors who treated my associate...

the reader...

the assistant...

exactly the same way they treated me.

That gets noticed.

Believe me.

Professionalism isn't something you turn on when the audition begins.

It's something people experience from you the moment you walk through the door.

I've been thinking about something else.

People don't remember perfect conversations.

They remember how they felt during the conversation.

Think about your own life.

How many conversations can you quote word for word?

Very few.

But I imagine you can remember exactly how certain people made you feel.

Encouraged.

Comfortable.

Respected.

Heard.

Inspired.

That's what stays with us.

Which means...

the goal of networking isn't delivering the perfect introduction.

It's creating a memorable human experience.

One question has served me extraordinarily well over the years.

It's remarkably simple.

"How did you get into this business?"

That's it.

Then I listen.

Really listen.

People love telling the stories that shaped their lives.

Casting directors have stories.

Agents have stories.

Writers have stories.

Producers have stories.

Actors certainly have stories.

Every one of those conversations teaches you something.

I've learned far more...

by asking thoughtful questions...

than I ever learned trying to sound impressive.

Here's another perspective I'd like to offer.

Actors often believe networking means finding the most important person in the room.

Why?

Who decided that?

What if the most important conversation you have tonight...

is with another actor?

Or a production assistant.

Or an assistant director.

Or a reader.

Or someone standing alone wondering if they belong there.

I've watched this industry long enough to know...

careers rarely unfold in straight lines.

Today's assistant...

may become tomorrow's executive.

Today's classmate...

may direct your next film.

Today's intern...

may someday hire you.

That's one reason I often say...

careers don't grow upward.

They grow sideways.

Communities expand.

Relationships deepen.

Opportunity follows.

Here's something practical.

The next time you attend an industry event...

I'd like you to give yourself a completely different assignment.

Don't try to meet the most influential person in the room.

Meet the most interesting person in the room.

Notice I didn't say...

the most successful.

The most interesting.

Someone whose story you'd genuinely like to hear.

Someone who fascinates you.

Someone who seems thoughtful.

Or kind.

Or quietly standing by themselves.

See what happens.

I think you'll discover something remarkable.

The pressure disappears.

Because curiosity has replaced performance.

Let me offer another practical exercise.

Once a month...

invite another actor to coffee.

No agenda.

No networking.

No hidden purpose.

Simply spend an hour talking about the work.

About books.

Films.

Life.

Auditions.

The business.

Support one another.

Celebrate each other's victories.

Encourage each other after disappointments.

Build your community before you think you need it.

Some of the strongest careers I've witnessed...

were built by groups of artists who simply continued growing together.

Here's another challenge.

Become a connector.

If you know two people...

who would genuinely benefit from meeting one another...

introduce them.

No expectation.

No reward.

Just generosity.

One actor needs a photographer.

Another photographer is looking to build a portfolio.

Introduce them.

A playwright needs actors for a reading.

You know three wonderful actors.

Introduce them.

Do that often enough...

and something interesting happens.

People begin thinking of you...

as someone who contributes.

Not someone who simply asks.

Generosity has an extraordinary memory.

I'd like to leave you with one sentence before we finish today's conversation.

I think it may become one of the most important ideas in this episode.

The goal of networking...

isn't to become unforgettable.

It's to become...

genuinely knowable.

There's a world of difference.

People may forget what you said.

They rarely forget who you consistently are.

BREAK

There's another misconception I'd like to challenge before we finish.

Actors often tell themselves...

"I have to make a great first impression."

Do you?

Really?

Let's think about that.

How many meaningful relationships in your own life...

were built from one perfect conversation?

Very few.

Most relationships...

are built through repeated moments.

You see someone again.

Then again.

You remember their name.

You ask about something they mentioned the last time.

You celebrate a success.

You offer encouragement after a disappointment.

Little by little...

trust begins to grow.

The pressure to be unforgettable...

begins disappearing.

Because you're no longer trying to win the relationship.

You're simply building it.

Here's something that took me years to understand.

People actually enjoy helping other people.

Think about your own life.

Has someone ever asked for your advice...

and you were genuinely happy to give it?

Of course.

Has someone ever thanked you...

for encouraging them...

or sharing an idea...

or introducing them to someone?

That feels wonderful.

Why?

Because generosity is one of the most satisfying parts of being human.

Actors often assume they're bothering people simply by introducing themselves.

Most of the time...

they're not.

People don't mind helping.

What they mind...

is feeling used.

Those are entirely different experiences.

Healthy relationships have room for generosity.

Transactional relationships usually don't last very long.

I've been thinking about one word throughout this entire episode.

Need.

Need quietly changes our behavior.

Need makes us rush conversations.

Need makes us oversell ourselves.

Need makes us talk too much.

Need makes us forget to listen.

Need convinces us...

that this one meeting...

has to become something.

But here's the truth.

One conversation...

rarely changes a career.

One hundred conversations...

often do.

That's a much healthier way to think about networking.

Not as one extraordinary opportunity...

but as the gradual building of a professional life.

Let me give you something practical.

Five relationship habits that I believe can genuinely change your career.

The first...

become interested...

before trying to become interesting.

The next time you meet someone...

ask three thoughtful questions before talking about yourself.

You'll be amazed how different the conversation feels.

Second...

follow up.

Not because you need something.

Because the conversation mattered.

A short message.

"It was wonderful meeting you."

"I enjoyed our conversation."

"I hope our paths cross again."

That's enough.

No request.

No attachment.

Just appreciation.

In a world where everyone is asking for something...

gratitude stands out.

Third...

expand your definition of your professional circle.

Some of the most important people in your future...

haven't met you yet.

They're sitting beside you in acting class.

Working in the production office.

Running the camera.

Stage managing a reading.

Serving as an assistant.

Don't overlook people simply because they aren't in positions of authority today.

Careers evolve.

People evolve.

Relationships evolve.

Fourth...

become someone people genuinely enjoy seeing again.

Arrive on time.

Keep your promises.

Learn names.

Remember birthdays when you can.

Congratulate people on their successes.

Celebrate others without comparing yourself.

Those things may seem small.

They're not.

Character is built through small moments repeated consistently.

That's what people remember.

And finally...

practice generosity.

Without keeping score.

Recommend another actor.

Share information.

Introduce people.

Volunteer.

Offer encouragement.

Celebrate someone else's victory.

Generosity has a remarkable way of finding its way back to us.

Not because life keeps score.

Because generous people naturally build strong communities.

I'd like to give you one more exercise.

This one is simple.

The next time you attend an industry event...

don't measure your success by the number of business cards you collect.

Or how many important people you met.

Instead...

ask yourself three questions on the way home.

Did I learn something interesting?

Did I make someone feel heard?

Did I leave someone feeling better than when I met them?

If the answer is yes...

the evening was successful.

Regardless of whether anything immediate comes from it.

That's playing the long game.

And the long game...

is where careers are built.

THE RESET

So here's your Reset this week.

I want you to attend one gathering...

or have one conversation...

with one simple intention.

Leave one person...

feeling better than before they met you.

Not impressed.

Not recruited.

Not persuaded.

Simply...

better.

Maybe they laugh.

Maybe they feel heard.

Maybe they receive encouragement.

Maybe they simply enjoy spending a few minutes talking with you.

Do that consistently...

and I honestly believe you'll never worry about networking again.

Because you'll stop trying to build contacts...

and start building relationships.

I'd like to leave you with one final image.

Imagine every relationship in your career...

as a garden.

You don't plant a seed...

and expect flowers tomorrow.

You prepare the soil.

You water it.

You return.

You remain patient.

Some plants grow quickly.

Others take years.

Relationships work exactly the same way.

You don't force them.

You nurture them.

You don't rush them.

You invest in them.

And over time...

something beautiful begins to grow.

Not because you demanded it.

Because you cared for it.

So the next time someone tells you...

"It's all about networking..."

I hope you'll quietly smile.

Because now...

I think you know something more important.

It's really about curiosity.

It's about kindness.

It's about professionalism.

It's about generosity.

It's about becoming someone people trust...

and someone they're genuinely happy to see again.

Because after all these years...

that's what I've come to believe.

People don't open doors...

simply because they know your name.

They open doors because they're glad...

you're the one walking through them.

Thank you for spending this time with me today.

If this conversation made you think differently about networking...

I'd love for you to share this episode with another actor.

Because I have a feeling...

they've been carrying the same pressure.

I'm Jeffrey Dreisbach.

Thank you for listening to Casting Actors Cast.

Until next time...

Be curious.

Be generous.

Build relationships.

Keep learning.

Keep growing.

And keep telling stories that matter.

Because your career...

won't be built...

by collecting business cards.

It will be built...

one genuine relationship...

at a time.